I like to make myself laugh, at least

• "I expect he has his reasons"("I don't believe he has any reason"). 
• "We will just have to wait and see, won't we?"(I don't believe it will ever happen"). 
• "I am sure you will succeed in the end"("I doubt you will succeed ever").
• "I am not sure what you want me to do about it?"(I don't want to help you"). 
• "How are you?" ("I want to appear like I care, but don't want you to actually tell me how you are"). 
• "I'll survive I suppose" ("I feel like you don't care").
• "Do you need any help with that?"("I can see you need help but I'm going to put you on the spot by giving you the option to say "no thanks, I'm fine("actually killing my back by doing it myself))"
• "You look tired"("I want you to feel as anxious about your appearance as I do about mine")

"My portable cycle business folded unexpectedly last week - I'm still picking up the pieces"

"It's not just about sitting around the pool drinking pina coladas on the Costa del Sol you know? There are plenty of other cocktails to choose from".

"Did you hear - they are going to make it illegal to pour milk onto oats? You could end up doing porridge".

"I spent a whole hour this morning explaining in great detail to my wife what "mansplaining" is. I'm still not sure she understands".

"I was a a mere prefect until my spelling improved".